Compliments

I fucking hate compliments.

I mean, certain forms are okay and all. "Nice shoes" "good job on the test" and "awesome taste in music" are all acceptable compliments. They're basic, surface level. They mean very little. Often people say things like that to fill the air or because they feel like they ought to say something. They're easy to deal with. You just say 'thanks' and continue on with whatever else you were doing.

It's the ones that mean something that I truly hate. "You look beautiful" "I look up to you" "you're such a caring person" = bad. Very bad. Awful bad. Stop saying nice things. I don't believe you. When people give you compliments, real honest compliments with depth, you have limited choices.

A) They mean it.
B) They don't mean it.

Which is worse?

They're either lying to your face about something that matters or they genuinely think something amazing about you. It's like a lose-lose.

I have self esteem problems so I don't see that stuff in me. When I look at me I see an ugly, self-absorbed bitch who's got the intelligence of a headless chicken. That's about it. I legitimately don't see my positive traits. Even if the person means the compliment, it makes me feel sick. They mean it and I think they're wrong or they don't mean it and they're lying. I honestly feel like I'm being lied to whenever I get a compliment. Even if I believe the person means it. Just because they mean what they say doesn't make it true. I'm a crap human being, what is there to compliment about me?

But then the worst is that after the compliment I feel like I have to live up to that standard they think I am. If they say I'm smart, then I have to actually be smart, even though I'm not. It feels like such pressure. I know people don't mean it like that, they just want to be nice or say what they think, but I pressure myself enough I don't need more impossible standards to reach for.

The reason for this rant is because I was revising an essay earlier. My prof had given me feedback and critiques on it and I was reading through them. His handwriting is atrocious and I'd just finished the revision, so I was trying to decipher the rest of the comments he made. Now he gives a lot of good feedback. He'll mark a specific section and write "Good!" or "Nice imagery!" as well as other helpful critiques.

Now I should say, this prof is special. He's one of the reasons I came to this school. I met him here when I visited the creative writing department in high school and he is amazing. He's my creative nonfiction professor and everything about him is spectacular. He's basically who I want to be. And his writing is the best I've ever read. Ever.

The comment started "I admire your ability..."

He admires my ability.

I'm sitting here crying and feeling physically sick to my stomach. It's nicer than anything he's written on my papers all semester. He gives positive feedback, but that's above and beyond. That's something different. That falls into the second category of compliments, the bad one.

I want to throw up. I want to die. I want to go back in time and never have met him.

I can't handle this.